Tuesday, 28 September 2010

What's with the hair?

Yeah,what IS with the hair? well....the honest truth is I don't know. What I do know however is that a lot of hair on my drawings makes everything ugly.

Let's see how this works.

This is a burger


and this is a Hairburger


This is a baby.


This is a hairy baby.


You see what happens? Let's try that again.

This is a pencil.


This is a hairy pencil. Wrong isn't it?


I like putting hair on things that really shouldn't be hairy. I'm not some weirdo with a hair fetish or anything, I just like drawing hair. Hair on everything.

Just for fun, let's have another.....

This is an apple


This is an apple with hair.


It changes everything doesn't it?.

Sunday, 26 September 2010

Judging books by their covers part 1

Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman's Search for Everything by Elizabeth Gilbert

eat.pray.love Pictures, Images and Photos

Eat, pray, love is a book about how one woman has spelled out every word she knows using pasta, flower petals and other household items. So far she has only done three words. Not very good.

The Fry Chronicles


One man and a chair. Taking pictures of himself in awkward poses.
This collection of photographs is the low point in Stephen's career. Even the chair looks bored. Must try harder.

Sister  by Rosamund Lupton


Sister is a comedy about the sister who walked too fast. One day when it snowed she walked so fast that her other sister could not keep up.

The Help  by Katheryn Stockett


Two black ladies need help with a hungry white child. Nothing is safe in this crazy book about food and homemade pushchairs. A mix of Charlie and the chocolate factory and The Exorcist.

Jump   by Jilly Cooper

The sad story of the invisible horse named Jump. Abused by his owner with a whip. Woman laughs. Ha ha ha. Not cool.

Wait For Me: Memoirs of the Youngest Mitford Sister  by Deborah Devonshire


Elderly Scottish man disguised as female chicken breeder takes on more than he can handle. Results in fowl play.

Monday, 20 September 2010

Lady Gaga meat dress

Lady Gaga's meat dress is something to see. I don't really know where to start with this woman.


Although I quite like the idea of this dress, someone must have said it was a bad idea. Apart from the smell (of the meat and Gaga) it looks pretty grim. Someone must be having a laugh at her expense. Or maybe she's having a laugh at our expense, does anyone really care? sadly yes, they do. I want to kill myself just because I'm writing this about her, more hype and publicity. Oh man, it never ends.

Maybe next time she can wear her own skin inside out? I'd like to see that. Or a hat made from her own hands? She'll push this hype as far as she can and one day....no one will care.


Can this be the last we all hear about her please?

can it?

Sunday, 19 September 2010

Gay Christmas list

I really thought Santa was real. I mean really thought he was. So much so that one Christmas I had the most awesome of awesome ideas. I could put things on my list to give as presents to my mother.


So I did, ABBA records, nice rings and perfume, Stuff like that. I put loads on there.


I left it for Santa and that was that. None of it turned up on Christmas so I said nothing. But now years later, I wonder how that looked to my parents? I'm sure they thought they had a gay son. Well, in the next life I'll know Santa is mean and has no soul.


Thursday, 9 September 2010


Two years ago I got this pain in my belly. A real nasty pain. As you do, I went and tried to poop the pain away, but nope, it didn't go away.


Oh god I thought, what's wrong with me and why does this pain keep stabbing away like this. All sorts flew through my tiny mind. Was I dying? was it just wind? I don't need to see a doctor do I? That's the last resort.

Well, hours later, when the pain just didn't go away and it became too much my girlfriend called the doctor. It was getting worse so I went to the local clinic to get some help.

I paced around the waiting room, unable to sit still due to the pain. I looked like a heroin addict, all pale and restless. Why were they taking so long?. We got called to see a nurse, at last. Some poking here and there on my belly led to a yelp.
'Ahhh' she said. 'That's where your appendix is'.
I needed drugs.
'you should go to the hospital and get it checked'
I needed drugs.
'do you know where it is?'
I needed drugs.
'are you in pain?'
'YES, can you give me something please? it hurts...a lot.'

And she did. A shot of some kind of something good right in my bum cheek. Ahhh, sweet release.

So we drove to the hospital, me laying in the back seat, moaning and groaning the whole way.

To cut a long story short, I stayed overnight and was set for an operation the next day.

They gave me one of those gaping gowns, the kind that have your bum hanging out. No way I thought. I'll put this on the other way around, like a dressing gown. Sorted.

The very next morning, there I was being wheeled to the operating room. I have to admit, I was very excited. I wonder what anesthetic is like? does it really knock you out that fast? I was curious now.

they shook their heads at the way I wore my outfit.
'We've never had someone in here with it this way around before' they said.
'Can I keep my appendix?' I asked
'Why?' She said with a confused look.
'To give to my cat' I said.
'No, You can't do that'.
I didn't really mean it. I don't think she realised I was joking. Probably not the best time for jokes but I couldn't help it.


The next thing I knew I was counting from ten down to one. I think I got to about six.

I woke up with cold feet in a cold room feeling confused and, well... cold. They sorted that for me though and I was soon wheeled into my ward.

I was still excited and thought it would be a good idea to get up from my bed, drip and all and phone my parents and tell them where I was. They were not in so I phoned my nan.

'Hello? Nan?'
'Hello' she said.
'Guess where I am?'
'I don't know, where?'
'In hospital!'
I tought it would be an amusing story, I wasn't in my right mind.


It's a bit of a blur to be honest after that. But she was OK knowing that I was OK.

I spent three days in hospital and I never did get to keep the part of me that got taken out. Something to do with infection and bad stuff.
Oh well.
Could have been worse.

I think Bumble would have turned his nose up at my appendix anyhow.

Monday, 6 September 2010


I love cats.

I hate a lot of things but not cats. I have a large black cat called Bumble, and before you start laughing at his stupid name you should know that we didn't name him. He adopted us a two years ago. Just showed up one day, ran into our house and meowed as loud as he could while clawing at our bed.


I had seen him around for a couple of years, just now and again. I think he was casing the joint. Either way, here he was. A big black cat with massive claws and big green eyes.

Sometimes I think he took pity and decided to look after me. Or was it the other way around? Only he knows.

After that, he came to see us every day, he would walk through the open back door and just lay on the floor and go to sleep. Then an hour or two later he would get up and leave. No goodbye, no 'yeah, thanks for the nap' or 'cheers dudes, see ya later'. Nothing. In...sleep...then out.

You see, only cats can do this. If I walked into your house and slept on your floor for a few hours you would call the police. Just ask Robert D. Jr. I think he did something like that. I think.

I should set the scene a little, where we live we have a lot of stray cats. Maybe nine or ten of them, they sleep on our cars, meow at night and stare at us when we drive our cars from the car park. I bet they wish they had thumbs. But they don't. HA! one up for us humans, although they can lick in places we shall never speak of. Draw!
So we thought he must be one of those stray cats. Over time we asked around, tried to find out where on earth this crazy visitor came from, and in the end we found out.

He belonged to a woman who lived just down the road.

We'd grown to like our visitor over those few months, we never fed him or did anything to encourage him, he just turned up, slept and left. This made us think there was something wrong, something made him come back to us. So we went to her house and explained what was hapening.

To cut it short, she didn't want him. She had three cats, a dog and two children. She said that his name was Bumble and he just did what he wanted, whenever he wanted.
Her loss. Now he's ours. We are his pets.


I don't care. Either way I now have a cat. A big, black, hairy, sharp clawed, green eyed, crazy, half domesticated maniac of a cat.

He has brought us mice, birds(even a pigeon) and just the other week... a squirrel. Yes a squirrel. He must like us.


I love cats.

: )

Sunday, 5 September 2010

I suck

Yes, I suck. Most of the time the things I do don't quite go to plan. For a start I have curly hair. Not the best start in life, and now I'm going bald. Great.

So where am I at now? nowhere really. I spend most of my time drawing stupid drawings on Microsoft paint, some get me into trouble, some don't. Over time you'll see what I mean. For now though, let's start simple.

this is me reaching out to the world.


Reaching out into the world of blog readers. For those who care about the losers in life. You know who we are, we all know. Some of us can blag it, some of us don't even try and some of us wouldn't even know where to start.

This is my start.

drawing number 2...


As you can see, I am pathetic. I'm not even drawn right. I don't even have an iPhone, I have an old iPod. I will be looking at who reads this on this iPod, checking to see who is following me and waiting for the comments putting me down. My clothes have no logos, they are also old as I hate shopping for clothes. I hate shopping full stop. As we're on the subject I hate a lot of things, most things if I'm really honest. I'm grumpy and full of stupid info. I don't shave often enough and the hair on my face is going gray. I have stumpy little legs and a gut that gets bigger every year.

I could go on.

I expect you'll laugh at my blog while I'm being sick with the fear of yet another failure ( que drawing number 3...)


but here I am.

Happy for now. Happy that I've started this blog.

Drawing number 4...


Catch you later.